Spa update

The depressing march of the unbeatable v2 continues. Now depressingly blond for that all round aryan mystique, the german government funded driving automaton that is Sebastien Vettel has basically won the title, as Monza is almost certainly his on the same aero package as Spa, leaving  only seven races post Monza for a rival to emerge.

A rival who may become a team-mate, as, in the ever decreasing pool of talent that can seriously compete in F1, the king-maker Christian Horner may be poaching one of the established rivals to join SV.

In an attempt to destabalise the fabric of opposing teams, CH has not declared the preference for Ricciardo which actually exists, but is instead allowing all kinds of rumours to continue to float about, but this blog knows exactly who is going where, with Ricciardo to Red Bull, Raikkonen to Ferrari, and another driver to Lotus.

What is les well known is that, depending on conditionslater in the year, lotus may be left without any driver, and for that reason, they are attempting to sink the proposed move of Kimi to ferrari by providing the Finn with an inexhaustible supply of drink related boating accidents. If they succeed, and the move to Ferrari is gazumped, then expect Hulkenberg, and an.other to move around between Lotus and Ferrari, with Massa demoted from a racing seat.

Tyre Roundup

Well, after missing some races, due to illness, TheRealF1 is now back and running at 80%, due to conservation factors.

Near miss for McLaren!

Having finally got some measure of a car beneath them, the McLaren team mates have been able, at last, to provide some on track action, and in recognition of his puberty, a certain teenage driver “pushed out his elbows” at his team mate.

Much hilarity has ensued as he attempted to take both McLarens out of two of the past three races, but was unable to do so at the last.

Martin Whitmarsh, team principal at McLaren, was later found to be in at least partial control of the English language, which this reporter found most amusing, considering his lack of control everywhere else, when he insisted that “That’s the way McLaren go racing. To win.” Perhaps, with his lower points places, Martin has however forgotten what it means to win.

It has been noted however, that Martin’s honesty remains intact, as, indeed, this is how McLaren goes racing. See Senna/Prost | Hamilton/Alonso, etc. for more information.

Tyres and Cheating: Is it what it used to be??

Here at The RealF1 we feel that racing is now all about the tyres. The tyres this, and the tyres that, and not enough about the cheating. It has simply been far too long since anyone was found altering the car in parc ferme through clever hydraulics, in posession of other team’s technical data, or simply bribing a Sky(c) cameraman to drop a camera on the foot of a driver from another team. This trend for not cheating seems almost purposefully deigned to give an unfair advantage to the best driver/car pairing which is simply unacceptable to long term F1 observers, and so we approached some paddock insiders to see what they think could be done about the current regulations with particular regards to the lack of chating, and the general naughtiness of the tyres….

– Update: Since writing this post, the “Testagate” saga has unfolded, which has been joy to our ears, and please note that all of the comments below were given before “Testagate” occurred –

Ross Brawn: “Well in my day, I famously never cheated, and since it is still my day, I am famously not cheating as we speak.”

Unbeatable Deutschland Driver v 1.0: “Well, a lot of people said I was the biggest cheat in the history of the sport, and that I have seven world cheater crowns to my name, but those people know nothing about the sport, and how much cheating is an integral part of it. In fact, I would say that I famously never cheated in my day, much like my mentor, Ross Brawn.”

Lewis Hamilton: “I famously never cheated in my days at McLaren, except for when I was caught, but aside from that, when I learned my lesson, I famously moved to Mercedes so as to famously not cheat ever again under a master of not cheating.”

Official Pirrelli Statement: “As the sole supplier to Formula Cheat, we would like to re-iterate our position that we would never assist or willingly cheat to provide an advantage to one team, or another. The by-products of unintentional favouritism is entirely legal, and is not in any way cheating.”

Fernando Alonso: “The cheat prospers. Only when not caught. Sun Tzu say: Do not get caught.”

 

Final Word

To sign off we asked Bernie (Ecclestone) to provide us with a bribe for the day:

He refused.

Update

We have just recieved word that our lawyers have suggested that we retract our previous post, on the grounds that although Sebastian Vettel’s and Mark Webber’s penis comparisons are in the public domain, there is nothing to suggest that Christian Horner has ever taken part in or revealed anything about his Penis, and as such we cannot justify printing the fact that he has no willy.

On this basis, we asked our Paddock insiders to comment on Christian’s member, so to speak, and we were met with hostility, verging on the violent. In particular, one anonymous Mercedes team principal and keen fishing enthusiast even threatened to hit us with Michael Schumacher, and so without any insider information, we regret to say that we can neither confirm nor deny that Christian Horner has no willy, and as such we would like to remind our readers that this is (a) Mark Webber’s opinion only.

Mal 2013 GP Roundup

Well, an interesting weekend, that’s for sure, and our round up has been a long time coming, but that is due to an exclusive feature, which is unavailable anywhere else. Yes, that’s right, we have (a) Mark Webber’s first and only interview on the chaos that was the team order fiasco.

 

An edited transcript follows:

TheRealF1(TRF1): Thanks for taking the time to speak to us Mark.

(a) Mark Webber (MW): No worries.

TRF1: So, a delicate subject, but we know about your forthrightness, and would like to know how you’re feeling now?

MW: Hurt. Hurt, betrayed and a little horny.

TRF1: I see. Can you tell us why that is?

MW: Well, it’s been some time since I’ve had any.

TRF1: Eh no, we mean why you’re hurt?

MW: Oh right mate. I banged my knee on the handlebars of my bike the other morning.

TRF1: But what about the race? The Team Orders, etc.?

MW: Ah, you mean betrayal right? Well, it was agreed that prior to the race if there was a situation arising where one man had quite clearly demonstrated his penis was larger than the other’s at one particular time, then the team would call it and we would both accept it.

TRF1: I’m sorry. Are you saying this was about Penis size?

MW: Yeah mate, of course.

TRF1: And at the time…

MW: That’s right, the team clearly agreed that my penis was bigger at that particular point in time, but Sebastian refused to admit that he had a smaller penis than me and had to try to prove it, after I had purposefully let my penis go flacid after the team orders.

TRF1: So Sebastian didn’t have a bigger penis than you?

MW: Well, in the past we’ve shown to the world that our Penis lengths are roughly equal, but on any given day mine is bigger than Vettel’s, and anyone with a brain could see that it’s been operational issues that have left me looking as though I have a smaller penis. I think it’s interesting to note though, that on the classic circuits where the car does not flatter to decieve penis length, such as Silverstone and Monaco, I have constantly shown to the world that my Penis is larger than Seb’s.

TRF1: And what does Christian Horner make of all of this?

MW: I’m not really interested in what he has to say as he has no willy.

The Real F1 does not condone team interference in penis size competitions, and suggests that all teams should allow their drivers to compare penis length directly.

Aus 2013 GP roundup

Well, an interesting weekend, that’s for sure, and here is a breakdown of the most important story in F1 over the weekend:

McLaren Disaster!

Firstly, let’s dicsuss the boy’s from McLaren. McLaren this year, in a break from tradition did not design a car for 2013, but instead decided to start the year with a pile of unconnected metal, carbon fibre and rubber. This was unexpected to almost all of the paddock, with one commentator suggesting that as McLaren was probably the quickest car last year, it was unexpected for the team to arrive with just some bit’s; instead of an actual car. We managed to get some quotes from McLaren insiders:

“This pile of STUFF, although, obviously not as quick as last years car, offers us a unique opportunity to develop throughout the whole year, rather than reaching a development plateau.” said an anonymous Team Principal.

“Although, we weren’t very competitive with this pile of JUNK, I was able to make up several places, and was only just outside of the points.” said an excited 15 year old driver.

” I was able to hold onto ninth place, only because I was able to be really wide on track.” Said the elder McLaren driver and although this blog has not seen the relevant footage, it is believed that this was achieved by simply building a wall across the track with the pile of SHIT that McLaren brought to this race, instead of trying to use it as a race car.

Battle of the team mates!

In part one of our ongoing feature, we examine how some of the drivers stack up against their team mates:

Red Bull Racing. – Again, Vettel was the favoured son, but Mark Webber did himself no favours, as the antipodean wonder once again managed to find reverse gear on the starting line. Despite this, Webber is awarded team mate winner because of the fact that he is a decent and enjoyable human being, and not simply Unbeatable Deutschland Driving Robot v.2.0

Lotus. – Although Kimi Raikkonen won the race, and was, according to some commentators: “Great.” we have given Romain Grosjean our winner award as Kimi failed to live up to our expectations, with very few moments of hilarious uninterested comments when compared to normal. If Kimi is going to threaten for the title this year he must do better.

McLaren. – The team who are our feature team this week failed to produce a car for this race, as mentioned above, and as such could not have had any ‘drivers’. Sad.

 

 

Returning to our main story before signing off, we asked for comments up and down the Paddock about McLaren, including how has this happened, and what needs to happen to get them back on track?

Martin Brundle (F1 commentator): “Well, I’ve drove these cars, and I’ve commentated on them for many years, and I have to say that, ooh, look, a celebrity on the grid. Excuse me a second….”

Lewis Hamilton (Ex-McLaren Employee): “Well, a lot of people said I was crazy to leave McLaren this year, but after seeing their performance we have to…” unfortunately we did not catch the last of Lewis’ statement, as he burst out laughing, and we weren’t able to get any sense out of him for some time.

Max Chilton (British Pay Driver): “Daddy. McLaren were still faster than me. I want one, I want one, I want one.”

Ayrton Senna (Deceased racing driver)(speaking to our very own medium): “They (McLaren) qualified in 1:30:357?? In ’91, I qualified in a McLaren in a 1:14:041, what is happening to this sport?”

Final Word

To sign off we asked Bernie (Ecclestone) to provide us with a thought for the day:

He refused.

 

 

R.I.P ‘Ginny Williams.